Lucky Thirteen
by dobeTEME710
Summary: When Naruto needed protection from the Akatsuki, Sasuke was there. But Naruto didn't realize the deal would include marrying the Uchiha. How will he handle Sasuke and his twelve other "wives"...?
1. Prologue

**This is a short little prologue to our little story here. We just wanted to give some background on the story, since it's going to be pretty confusing until we get going. We have the first chapter written, so it shouldn't be long before that's up.**

**And…A WARNING: THIS FIC IS RATED M FOR A REASON. THERE WILL BE YAOI. THERE WILL BE MALE x MALE (in the form of SasuNaru) AND THERE WILL BE SEX. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU THEN LEAVE NOW!!!!**

**Disclaimer****: Sadly, we do not own Naruto! :(**

**Now, on to the story…**

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Frustrating. Irritating. Annoying. Prideful. Egotistical. **Bastard.** There really aren't enough words to encompass my hatred of Sasuke Uchiha - there is no way to fucking describe it! I take one look into his midnight eyes and I want to gouge them out! It's not fair!

_Why?!_ Why does his very presence drive me to the edge of insanity? I mean, I try to fight it, I really do. I attempt to ignore it, try to take my frustration out in other ways…try to distract myself, but nothing works.

His face keeps popping up in my mind and it starts all over again.

I have to go shout in his face and be a complete and total annoying jackass just to get his attention!

If I had known I would feel like this, would I have agreed to Gaara's plan to hide me?

I think death by the Akatsuki would be less painful, less maddening than this…this constant need, this want, slowly consuming me from the inside.

All because I was stupid.

I messed up my pizza job; landed one with Gaara's assassin company; screwed up again; and then landed myself in the Uchiha Mansion for my own "protection."

Oh…and I also ended up having to marry Sasuke Uchiha; as Gaara calls it, "a slight inconvenience."

Ha! Maybe it would have been, if I HADN'T FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM! I wasn't supposed to fall in love with my husband. (I'm STRAIGHT, Goddamnit!)

And then there's the whole problem that he's been married twelve times before…and never been divorced.

Now I'm just part of his damn collection.

He doesn't have romantic relationships with his wives, as a policy.

So how am I supposed to persuade him, when twelve others have hit and missed?

Ah, well…guess I'll just have to be lucky thirteen….

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**Pleeeeeeeeeeeease leave reviews? **

**Let us know what you think?**

**The next chapter is DEFINITELY longer!**

**Again, this is just a prologue to get things rolling! **

**We're really excited about this story so keep your eyes open for more to come…! **

**NEXT TIME: Chapter 1 "Welcome Compatriot" **


	2. Welcome Compatriot!

**dobe: HI EVERYBODY!!!!!! THIS IS THE DOBE PART OF DOBETEME!!!! I JUST ATE AN ENNNNNNNNTIRE BOWL OF SUUUUUGAR!!! ANYWAY, WE ARE SUUUUUUPER PROOOOOUD TO BE BRINGING YOU OUR VEEEEEEERY FIRST CHAPTER OF LUCKY THIR… -passes out due to sugar high- **

**TEME: Idiot… -shakes head- …Here's the first chapter. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: We don't own it. **

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Chapter 1 "Welcome Compatriot!"

The car jumped as the tires found yet another pothole, causing its passenger's blond head to ram against the back seat – again – and his cerulean eyes to scrunch close in pain. Suppressing a sigh, Naruto Uzumaki opened his eyes and prayed that they would soon reach the newly paved part of the estate's driveway that Gaara had assured him half an hour ago existed.

The aforesaid person didn't notice the bumpy ride over the back roads of Uchiha Estate, stoic as ever. The red-head was oblivious to everything except the classical pieces of Bach, Beethoven and Mozart blaring through the speakers; currently the pounding rhythms of Moonlight Sonata caused the Jeep to vibrate along with the beat.

Of course, despite the discomfort of the music selection and the road, one did not ask Gaara Sabaku to change music or to make the road smoother, especially when you were the reason that Gaara was out in what seemed like the middle of nowhere on his day off.

Naruto really was grateful that Gaara was hiding him, even if Gaara was partially at fault for Naruto's new need for discretion; however, why on earth did the plan have to include marrying the man whose nickname was "The Man Who Should Have Ruled The World, But Only Ended Up Owning Half."? (Who the hell makes this stuff up anyway?)

This guy has already been married more than ten times before, to women and men alike. _Well, I suppose when you're a man of his wealth as well as a corporate giant you can do whatever you want; and if he's been married over ten times, he obviously tosses relationships aside with ease and won't even give me the time of day. _At least that's what Naruto hoped. He felt his pulse quicken at the thought of this man wanting some kind of…performance…from him. Gaara had repeated again and again that he wouldn't bother him in that way, but Naruto couldn't help feeling just a little uneasy. He was _marrying _the man after all!

So, praying to God that this would work out, the Jeep pulled out of the forest onto the now-paved road, and Naruto got his first look at his new home, knowing somewhere inside was his new husband: Sasuke Uchiha.

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Dark eyes glanced up at the clock ticking on the study wall. Five past eleven. Gaara was late.

Not that he was particularly happy about having to meet another "financial advancement" (that's what he called them rather than his 'wives', because more often than not, they brought in more money or more business and therefore more money for him), but damnit, Sasuke Uchiha did not like to be kept waiting!

He had better things to do than wait around for that asshole Sabaku. A sigh escaped the raven's lips as he sat, irritated at his best friend's habit of arriving consistently late for the sole purpose of pissing him off.

Sasuke stood up suddenly after five more agonizingly slow minutes passed, tired of waiting around for his tardy guests. If this new "financial advancement" wouldn't have the courtesy of showing up on time after everything Sasuke was doing for him, well then, that idiot could welcome _himself _to the Uchiha home.

Sasuke frowned as he heard the heavy thundering of rain pounding against the roof. Usually, he enjoyed the rain: it was peaceful, in an angry, natural kind of way. But now, he was just annoyed. It was unfair that nature should be angry. _He_ should be angry.

The entrepreneur scowled and headed for the door, wanting nothing more than to have a warm cup of tea and sit locked in his room doing what he did best: work.

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At the exact moment Sasuke gave up waiting for his new 'wife', Naruto was walking through the front door of the Uchiha Mansion, a little in awe of his new and most likely temporary home.

The chandelier presiding over the room had to be ancient, judging from the cobwebs spinning their way delicately through the various chains and baubles. As Naruto set down the three bags full of his belongings, his gaze lowered and he noticed the three sets of stairways (one from the right, one from the left, and one directly in front of him) that all swept upward to meet on the next floor, forming a sort of balcony above the grand open space that was at the moment making Naruto feel very small and out of place.

As he turned to look for Gaara, who he assumed had been right beside him, Naruto was instead startled by the high pitched scream of "YOUUUUTH!" that pierced the air.

Spinning around fast enough to make a squeak on the marble floor of the grand entryway. Trying not to slip and lose his balance, Naruto caught sight of the cause of the commotion as a white and green blur ran across the open hallway.

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTH!" The blur skidded to a stop to lean over the balcony and yell, in what really was an unnecessarily loud voice, "WELCOME COMPATRIOT OF THE UCHIHA HOUSEHOLD! WE WELCOME YOUR NEW BURNING YOUTH WITH OPEN ARMS AND LOTS OF LOVE!"

What Naruto found more bizarre than what the man was saying, was the man himself.

A bowl-shaped, glossy black mass of a haircut adorned his head; and round wide eyes could be seen peeking up from beneath thick black eyebrows. He also seemed to be rather fit, which Naruto could easily tell because the man (he could obviously see this strange person was a man) was wearing an open bathrobe…and nothing else.

Naruto couldn't tell if he was in shock from finding such a person inside the Uchiha Mansion, or if his fatigue had finally set in; either way, he could swear this man was pulsating with some strange energy and that there were actual sparkles surrounding his head and torso.

This left Naruto with one question: "Where the hell am I?"

"How troublesome." Naruto jumped as a voice from his right seemingly came out of nowhere; he looked over and noticed a boy who appeared to be about the same age as himself.

The boy had strange, spiky black hair tied in a high ponytail at the back of his head, bored eyes, and a cigarette poking through his thin lips.

He sighed and called up to the man on the balcony still spewing crap about everlasting youth, "Oi! Gai! Go put some clothes on!" before turning to Naruto, taking a deep drag from his cigarette and monotonously asking "You the new guy?"

All Naruto could do was nod, completely speechless as he watched the black-haired man frown and leave. How could this guy be so calm after just seeing this naked man run past him? _This_ was the Uchiha household? What had he gotten himself into?!

When he finally found his voice again, Naruto managed to choke out a reply, "What…was…that?"

The dark-haired boy shrugged, motioning upward at the now-vacant balcony.

"Ahh. Just Gai-sensei," He rolled his eyes. "You'll get used to it."

Naruto doubted it, and opened his mouth to say just that; but was interrupted by a shout that shook the marble floor he was standing on.

"SHI-KA-MARUUU! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" A tall, thin brunette stomped into the hallway, fuming. His face was red with anger and Naruto swore he could see smoke pouring out of his ears….

The boy (though Naruto wasn't exactly sure, as the brunette was wearing a frilly pink dress adorned with white apron and hat and all) had short brown hair, sharp teeth, and red markings on his face, "IT WAS A DEAL! WE BOTH LOST THE BET AND WE BOTH HAD TO WEAR -" The boy (on closer inspection, Naruto was now certain it was in fact a boy) turned to Naruto and frowned, "Who's this?"

"The new kid." The lazy boy from earlier sighed, and the brunette's eyes widened, before the anger set in again.

"DAMNIT SHIKAMARU!" He yelled and stormed out of the room again.

The pony-tailed boy – Shikamaru – turned to Naruto and shrugged, "Kiba." He muttered in response to the unasked question, before rolling his eyes and heading out of the room.

"Hey! Wait!" Naruto hurried after him, "What do I do now?"

Shikamaru took another long drag from his cigarette, turned around again and answered, "Wait here. Ino should be here soon…she'll set you up." _Set me up?_ Inwardly, Naruto was freaking out. Outwardly, however, he grinned and nodded. He watched the other boy – Shikamaru – drop his cigarette on the ground, crushing it beneath his heel on the shiny marble floor and leave the room.

Now alone, Naruto glanced around the room one last time before smacking his face with his palm, "I am going to kill Gaara."

Distracted contemplating all the ways he could possibly murder his friend, Naruto didn't notice the bleach-blond woman approach from behind, even though her high heels clicking against marble were hard to miss.

Then, suddenly, a very painful screech came out of what seemed like nowhere, causing Naruto to wince.

"I said very specifically that we wanted an even mix…an even mix of both males and females! Customers have been complaining lately of a lack of diversity, and nothing is worse than that in this business! As supposed owner of the strip clubs I thought you'd be aware of that!" and with that the woman snapped her phone shut and looked up at the now gaping Naruto, who was sure he never wanted what he had just heard explained to him.

The harassed woman sighed, and Naruto quickly closed his mouth, as he realized it was still hanging open in shock.

Looking him up and down, the woman raised an eyebrow and asked, "You the new guy?" Naruto simply nodded, afraid that if he tried to speak he would start screaming.

"Follow me, kid. Welcome to the Uchiha Mansion. I'm Ino, Sasuke's personal secretary. You're late…Sasuke's probably forgotten about you by now, so I'll just show you to your room and you can get settled. Dinner is at six-thirty exactly, but this place is huge. I'll send Kiba to come get you."

At the name of the crazy apron man, Naruto paled a little; but if this woman - who must have been Ino – noticed, she didn't show it.

Naruto got the impression that the blond was a woman who wasn't content unless she had someone to constantly boss around. Shaking his head, he turned to pick up his bags, only to find them missing. "Wh...where are my bags?" Naruto asked wearily, not sure what to expect from this woman for asking a simple question.

Busy doing something with what seemed like a very high-tech cell phone, Ino only gave a muttered response, "Shikamaru took them up to your room earlier."

She began to walk away, eyes still glued to the screen of her phone.

Naruto had to run to catch up after he realized she'd left him behind, all the while wondering when during their encounter Shikamaru had taken his bags, because he sure as hell hadn't seen it.

Caught up in thinking of all the possible scenarios wherein his bags could have disappeared, Naruto wasn't really sure when he lost track of the haughty secretary. One moment she was mumbling something about someone named Jiraiya and how he couldn't do anything right; and then suddenly, he was alone.

He found himself standing in a rather wide hallway, which appeared to extend forever in two different directions, with floor length Victorian-styled windows on one side that revealed an open courtyard below. Realizing that other than birds, Naruto heard nothing else to give him an indicator of where he was, he began to panic over being lost in this labyrinth of a house.

Would they send people to look for him? Would Ino even notice that he wasn't behind her anymore?

Getting caught up in his thoughts, Naruto didn't spot the man walking around the corner of one of the myriad of hallways splitting off from who knows where until -

"Oof!" Rubbing his arm, Naruto looked to see what the hell he had collided with. He was surprised to find a black-haired, pale-faced man across from him sitting on the floor, mirroring his movements. Feeling extremely embarrassed, Naruto blushed and was opening his mouth to apologize when the raven-haired man said in a very arrogant manner, "Dobe" without even bothering to look up to see who he was or if he was okay.

Naruto closed his mouth immediately and felt anger building up inside him.

Clenching his fists, Naruto realized that he had had way too long and messed up of a day to care for manners anymore, no matter who this guy was or how important he may be!

So forgetting any manners that he should have as a guest in another person's home, Naruto shouted, "Look where the hell you're going, teme!"

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Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the idiot in front him, a little more than annoyed. He'd been prepared to get up and just walk away; something which most of his employees would be grateful of.

But no, this little blond…_twerp_…just had to provoke him when he'd already had a miserable day.

His eye twitching in anger, Sasuke turned to look at the stupid man who had run into him.

The glare that had scared off enemies and business partners alike took over his features, and he opened his mouth to give the blond man in front of him a few choice words.

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to!" Sasuke's glare intensified as he met the gaze across from his. Who was this guy anyway? Sasuke immediately disregarded him as one of his personal assistants, as he normally recognized them upon sight.

The young Uchiha frowned and got to his feet, opening his mouth to say more; then decided against it. He was a very busy man; he didn't have time for this. The raven glared once more for good measure. "Dobe." He muttered again and stalked off to the kitchen, needing that hot cup of tea more than ever.

Smoothing out the wrinkles of his white dress shirt, he angrily marched off towards the kitchen.

Damn, he really needed that tea…. And only his cook could make his tea the way he liked, with no sugar, taste good. As long as Sasuke didn't sit down and stay, Chouji wasn't even that annoying. Sasuke was fine as long as the chubby chatterbox didn't try to start a conversation.

All talking ceased as he entered the kitchen, which wasn't unusual.

The savory smell of whatever would be for dinner assaulted his senses as he glanced over at Chouji bustling away behind the counter. The shorter man grinned up at him and asked, "the usual?" before going to make Sasuke's tea without even hearing the "hn" of a reply.

Sasuke scanned the room. He noticed a few servants he wasn't familiar with scattered around the multiple tables; then his eyes passed over his two personal bodyguards – Shikamaru and Kiba – in the corner trying to build a house out of a deck of cards. Shikamaru looked bored and Kiba just looked pissed. Raising an eyebrow as he noted Kiba's outfit, Sasuke shook his head.

He didn't want to know. He really did _not_ want to know why Kiba was dressed up in a pink, frilly maid's costume, though by the way he was glaring at Shikamaru, he figured it had something to do with the dark-haired man.

But as long as the two guards kept up on their patrol hours, he could care less what they did while off-duty.

"…meet the new guy yet?" Lost in his thoughts, Sasuke hadn't noticed Chouji setting down the steaming mug of tea in front of him, then leaning against the counter – a bad sign, indicating he intended to talk. "I haven't, but Shikamaru and Kiba here," he motioned to the two who remained unaware they were being talked about, "have and they say he's a little…." Chouji made a circular motion in the air with his index finger and rolled his eyes, before grinning again. "Say he's blond. Dunno how we're gonna handle that. It's bad enough with Ino…" Chouji trailed off and chuckled at his own joke.

Sasuke paused, thinking back to the moron who had bumped into him. No. No way Gaara would let someone like that into the Uchiha household.

"Whatever," Sasuke muttered darkly. "As long as he stays away from me." He picked the mug up with his left hand, bringing it to his lips, and took a sip. He nodded approvingly and headed out of the kitchen. On the way to his room, he whipped out his cell phone, scrolled down to Ino's name, pressed 'send' and brought the phone up to his right ear.

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**Like it? Dislike it? Let us know! **

**NEXT TIME: Chapter 2 "Dinner in Hell" **


	3. Dinner In Hell

**dobe: Sorry it's taken so long but here is the next chapter of our story. Gomen, gomen! **

**TEME: Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, we do not own Naruto or the characters or…well, SasuNaru fans across the world would be happy! :D As we don't, we have to settle for writing and praying… -sigh- **

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Chapter 2 "Dinner In Hell"

Naruto was furious! Where the hell had Gaara Subaku stuck him?

No safe house Naruto had ever heard of had a problem with men running around naked, guys showing up in pink aprons, secretaries that were annoyed and completely distracted from their current tasks (i.e. showing Naruto his room), or bastards who just went around walking straight into people and then yelling at them.

Caught up in the silent rant he was enjoying quite a lot after the days events, he didn't see Ino until she grabbed his ear and twisted...hard.

"Owwwww!" Naruto clutched at his ear, trying to drag the crazy blonds' hand off of it, but she just twisted harder and started yelling unintelligibly at him. Something about getting her in trouble and 'damn it if Sasuke had caught her losing the new guy on the first day'…and basically a lot of swear words.

Turning around, her hand still clamped onto Naruto's right ear, Ino started dragging him down the hallway. And then another…and another. It made Naruto wonder if he'd ever be able to move around the place without getting lost.

At some point, they passed a noisy room with amazing smells coming out of it. He could hear pots and pans banging and also what sounded like shouting and panicked organization going on inside. In response to what had to be the kitchen, Naruto's stomach decided that then was a great time to let him know exactly what it thought of being left empty all day long. Hunched over from hunger that felt more like a punch in the gut from some decently sized horse, (which Naruto knew the feeling of exactly) he visually missed the rest of the trip to his rooms.

Yes, _rooms!_

When Ino shoved him inside a huge set of mahogany doors, all she said was: "Don't go anywhere! Dinner will be in about an hour and if you dare leave this room and get lost again, I will personally make sure that you can never procreate in this or any other life. I'll send Kiba up to get you when dinner's ready." And then she spun around and left, leaving Naruto frozen in the middle of what turned out to be an entryway. After about a minute to process the threat Ino had just issued, he shrugged it off. After all, he'd received worse threats from his boss when he was a pizza deliverer about the whole '15 minutes or less or else it's free!' policy.

He then turned around to take good look at the place that was his supposed sanctuary in what he could already tell was going to be a mad house.

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The raven sighed as he held the phone a few inches from his ear as he waited for it to stop ringing.

Finally, he heard a click on the other end and he swore he could hear someone shout, "Owwww!" Sasuke frowned, wondering if he had the wrong number. He hung up before re-dialing Ino's number and waiting again.

This time Ino answered on the first ring, using a tone Sasuke – unfortunately - had the displeasure of knowing very well. It was her annoyed-but-pretending-I'm-not-because-if-I-don't-act-nice-I'll-get-my-ass-fired voice.

"Yes?" A sickeningly sweet voice that made Sasuke want to vomit answered.

"Ino." It wasn't a question.

"That's me!" She giggled loudly and Sasuke rolled his eyes, shuddering. No doubt she was a good secretary, but he hated when she acted like this.

"Gaara's late. Has he -"

"Oh! I already showed the new guy to his room… I didn't want to bother you. I mean, you're so busy and I -"

Sasuke interrupted her with an unemotional "thanks" before ending the conversation and closing his phone, just as he reached the door to his room. He glanced down the hallway, first to the right in the direction of his study that doubled as his office; and then to the left, where a set of empty rooms waited, unused. Until now. If Ino had been telling the truth, then his new 'wife' would be waiting in those rooms right now.

Sasuke could care less, hoping the newest member of the 'family' would learn quicker than the others that he preferred to be left alone.

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Naruto's mouth dropped open (again, damnit) as he took in the beautifully crafted entryway opening up into a huge room that had been cleverly made to feel like many.

The gold carpet was so plush that Naruto realized he was leaving footprint indentations behind him as he walked around. The carpet flowed down three steps into a huge semi-circle that seemed to take up most of the room.

There were two couches, each in a soft cream color and a huge plasma TV, complete with all the latest gaming systems and what had to be hundreds of DVD selections! _Maybe I could skip dinner. I think I should really break in that gaming system…it's a shame to just let it sit there collecting dust._

It took Naruto a few more minutes after spotting his amazing new advancements in technology to see that there was indeed more to his room.

Past the plasma screen and gaming systems were French doors that lead out to a porch over-looking the courtyard he had seen earlier in the hallway. At least he hoped it was the same one. The idea of this place being big enough for two made his head spin.

Spotting his beat up suitcases to the right, Naruto realized that around the semi-circle was yet more space for things…such as a huge, comfy bed to his right that could actually adjust to his comfort differently every night according to the label.

Sitting down on the blue comforter, Naruto surveyed the other side of the room, seeing what else came with his new 'quarters'.

There was a plant next to the wall closest to the porch and next to it an alcove (which Naruto found out later was a kitchenette, fully equipped with anything he'd ever need to survive - thus defeating the point of a real kitchen in his mind) and if he turned to his left he could see another alcove off the wall where the bed was. The door was open and Naruto could just make out the outline of a sink and part of a toilet so he guessed that it was the bathroom.

To the right of the bed was an antique-looking wardrobe which he was willing to bet would take him to fight witches and goblins and trolls if he tried.

But what Naruto really found the most intriguing about his room (after his gaming systems, of course) was a door in the middle of the wall, next to his bed. There was nothing special or elegant about it. It was just a simple door…but for some reason it was locked. At first, Naruto thought the handle was stuck and tried turning it harder and even tried some soap from the bathroom to see if that would loosen it up at all. Finally, Naruto decided that it was indeed locked, which was strange because it was HIS room after all. Why shouldn't he be allowed to see what was on the other side? Should he just break the thing down or pick the lock (he was very, very good) or just let it sit there tormenting him with his eternal ignorance.

Trying to decide, Naruto paced in front of the door - and that's exactly how Kiba found him when he came to get him for dinner at six-thirty exactly: looking like an idiot, pacing in front of the door and mumbling to himself about locks and angles for the cleanest break.

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Kiba glared at the empty space in front of him as he walked through the hallways which led to Naruto's room. He hated that Ino had sent HIM up here. It wasn't even part of his job description! He was not a damn escort to Sasuke Uchiha's stupid wives. He was Sasuke's bodyguard and he didn't need to take orders from that blond…_bitch! _

The brunette grumbled to himself as he remembered Sasuke berating and ordering him to do whatever Ino told him, as she "was only looking out for the interests of all of them." Yeah…riiiight. More like the interests of how she could please Sasuke and get into his damn pants…

And really…today of all days?! She hadn't even given him time to change. What had he ever done to her, exactly? Ino must really hate him to send him up here when he was dressed like – "DAMNIT SHIKAMARU!!!" He yelled, not caring who heard as he rounded the corner to the hallway Naruto now resided on. Which also happened to be the same hallway Sasuke's rooms were located in. Not that anyone other than a few selected trusted employees knew which Sasuke's were. Couldn't have them hounding him all day when he was so…damn…busy!

Kiba rolled his eyes at the thought of Sasuke being busy. He always wondered what the Uchiha was doing all day. There was no way there could be that much work… Even if he DID own half the world, Sasuke NEVER took a day off. EVER. And now that he was thinking of it, had he ever even seen him sick?

But those were the least of Kiba's worries right now and he shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now, he was downright pissed at his dark-haired comrade.

Yesterday had been Sunday, their only day off of the week. And Shikamaru had proclaimed he was bored as usual, so Kiba being Kiba suggested they have a contest. And whoever lost was completely at the mercy of whoever won in regards to what they were to wear the next day. The ENTIRE day.

So, there they were. Having a staring contest. Kiba was doing well for the first minute or so, but then he knew he was concentrating too hard when he could feel the sweat dripping down his forehead…right into his eyes.

He cursed at his luck and could feel the need to blink coming fast. And just as his eyes were about to close, Kiba looked over at Shikamaru in a last ditch-effort to regain the upper-hand…and found the other young man…fast asleep…. Kiba blinked, as anger replaced his desire to win. "Are you kidding me?!" Kiba yelled, making the other jump and wake up suddenly.

"You blinked!" Came Shikamaru's groggy reply through half-open eyes full of sleep.

"You fell asleep!!!"

"No I didn't, I was watching you the entire time."

They argued about it for another full two or three hours before Kiba finally came to the brilliant conclusion that they should make it a tie and they'd both be at the mercy of the other. Shikamaru had agreed and everything had been going perfect…until Shikamaru showed up NOT wearing the outfit he'd promised. He'd later sworn he forgot…but damnit, Kiba wasn't THAT stupid.

And here Kiba stood, still fuming and still in his maid's outfit because damnit if he wasn't going to show Shikamaru that he was MAN enough to own up to losing._ Even though we both lost…_ Kiba frowned and glared at the door in front of him that he'd been standing outside of for a full five minutes before finally barging in, annoyance written all over his face.

"Hurry up, we're going to be late," He snarled; and then once he noticed the look on Naruto's face, he snapped, "What are you looking at?!"

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Naruto quickly shut his mouth (he really needed to get that fixed) as the apron-clad man yelled at him after appearing behind him without warning.

"Sorry, sorry, I was just thinking about..." Looking around, trying to find some topic of conversation that didn't have to do with the guy's pink frills, the first thing Naruto could think to find was..."This door! Yeah, yeah this door! It's kinda odd, don'tcha think? I mean, it's in my room but I can't seem to open it and I didn't want to break it down because it seemed like really old wood, and and and..."

Knowing he was just going on a panicked ramble, (something he was famous for at his old job with Gaara when ever he messed something up) Naruto sighed and finally realized the best thing to say.

"I'm guessing you're Kiba, right?" And because Naruto had a problem disconnecting his inner thoughts from the things he said out loud, without even stopping to think about it, he continued, "Are you gay or something?"

Blushing and slapping his hand over his mouth, Naruto screamed internally. _Why the hell did I say that!?! Shit, now he's gonna hate me! And I haven't even been here that long! Why, God, why_? He started imagining himself banging his head against a wall at his total lack of tact and manners and everything he thought he had at least a little of but seemed to lose more of the longer he stayed in this damn house.

Naruto braced himself to open his eyes, (not really sure when he had shut them - probably when he was banging his head inside his…well, head) and prepared to face the man he was pretty sure was about to rip his throat out.

_I wonder if Sasuke's employees get in trouble for assaulting his wives? Then again, I wonder if there was ever one before me that was quite this stupid..._ And with that, Naruto opened his eyes and braced himself for the beating that was sure to follow.

If Naruto had thought Kiba looked angry during the first encounter with Shikamaru, that was nothing compared to now. The brunette in front of him glared at Naruto with a look of pure hatred.

Not only was his face a boiling red, but his entire body was starting to turn a reddish-pink color and Naruto noticed the brunette trembling… and he was positive it wasn't from the cold, as it was actually pretty warm in the house...

That's when Naruto realized he'd just made his first enemy in the Uchiha household. Well, second actually… as he thought back to the man he'd run into in the hallway. Damn it! Gaara had sacrificed so much for him and he hadn't even been here for twenty-four hours and he'd already blown it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!

And that's when the storm hit.

"GAY?!?! GAY!?" The young man made sure to yell directly in Naruto's face and the blond could even feel the spit from the angry brunette's mouth hit his mouth with every word. "YOU THINK _I'M_ GAY!?! JUST BECAUSE I'M WEARING A DRESS DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY!!!! YOU KNOW WHO'S GAY!??! _YOU!!!_ YOU'RE MARRIED TO A MAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! ASSHOLE!!!" And with that Kiba stomped out of the room, closing the door with a bang that caused Naruto to flinch.

"Well…that could have been worse…." Naruto muttered to himself and then with a sinking feeling, realized it WAS worse. He'd made a total of zero friends today. And a total of two new enemies…possibly three counting Ino. He was now alone in a mansion he'd never stepped foot in before. He was hungry and damnit, he'd just lost his only way to dinner. And more than that, he was EXHAUSTED. Naruto groaned and banged his head against the door a few times before sinking to the ground with his knees drawn to his chest and his head buried in his arms.

The next half hour was spent scouring the cabinets, pantry, and refrigerator in Naruto's kitchenette. Sadly, no one had thought to procure anything edible, because Naruto couldn't even find dust let alone food.

_Of course, if I hadn't scared off my way to dinner it wouldn't have to be stocked because I would be eating already!_ Glaring at his refrigerator door, Naruto debated what to do next.

He could dare the labyrinth of a house on his own, but that could easily lead to him never being found and then dying of starvation.

His other option was just to wait it out and pray someone came and got him for breakfast or something. However, Naruto's growling stomach did not agree with that plan either.

It wanted food. Now. Groaning, Naruto opened his door and peaked out into the hallway. It was a little dark, the lights having yet to be turned on. But the setting sun provided enough light for Naruto to see by.

Encouraged by the lack of an angry Kiba waiting to punch him, Naruto stepped out into the hall and looked around. He found himself struck by the silence. He didn't hear anything, not a vacuum running, doors opening and closing or people mumbling somewhere in the distance. Damn, he couldn't even hear crickets chirping.

Shuddering a little at the feeling of being completely alone, he began to walk back down the way Ino had brought him earlier, hoping that his day would suddenly turn lucky and he would magically end up in front of the kitchen.

After about ten minutes of wandering down different hallways that all looked the same, (he could swear he was going in circles, but there weren't any damn landmarks that he could make out in the house) Naruto sighed.

His stomach was becoming more and more demanding, making more pronounced noises as he went. Idly wondering if it was possible to control the sounds of ones stomach like you could burping to say something, Naruto screamed when a hand reached out to grab his shoulder from behind.

He reacted on the instinct that Gaara had trained into him and went to kick the person holding him captive. Until in the middle of his spin he saw strands of bleach blond hair and tried to stop himself from causing Ino to double over and throw up in the middle of the hallway.

However, all Ino saw was Naruto yelp, jump, spin around, and then seemingly get tangled in his own feet and trip him self.

As the flushed man pulled himself up off the ground, Ino internally shook her head. _What the hell is Uchiha going to think of this one?_ Snorting, she gave her own response, _He'll chop him up and then throw him in a corner like he does the rest, IF he even lets this one stay after he meets him._

Shaking her head, she spotted Naruto's curious expression and realized she had snorted out loud.

Feeling annoyed and embarrassed, she snapped out, "I told you six-thirty, didn't I? Everybody has already started but I," Narrowing her eyes and making her voice somewhere between a hiss and a growl, she continued, "Ohhhh, _I_ have to wait 'til EVERYONE is seated! So get your ass to meals on time!"

Naruto wasn't really sure what to say. On one hand, it wasn't his fault that Kiba stomped off…then again, it was. So rather than arguing or fighting Ino on how unfair it was to be mad at him, he simply nodded his head and looked her straight in the eyes and told her sincerely, "Gomen, I really didn't mean to cause so much trouble."

Ino was a tad shocked; after all she had been betting on yelling or something of a fight at least. She had almost been looking forward to it, as a way to take her...other frustrations…out. But no, now the idiot had to go and be all nice and courteous and completely unlike OTHER people she...

Realizing that she had just been staring blankly at Naruto since he had spoken, she cleared her throat and decided simple was the best response. "Good, make sure it doesn't happen again." And with that, she turned on her heels and started to walk away.

The scuffling of feet on the carpet behind her told her that Naruto had figured out the whole 'follow without being told thing.' Smiling, Ino led them closer to dinner and the next test Naruto was going to have to face if he wanted to stay in the mansion.

-------

At the exact time Naruto was getting yelled at by Ino, Sasuke Uchiha was sitting at the desk in his room, clicking away at his computer.

He had more important things to do than show up for dinner to greet his new 'wife'. He had work to do. And honestly, he hated socializing. He hated the fake conversations, the fake smiles, the fake laughs, the almost invisible sneers and scowls at those who were supposed friends.

It all seemed so ridiculous to Sasuke that he refused to go to dinner, even for appearance's sake and instead, chose to have his dinner delivered personally to him by Chouji every day at exactly six o' clock.

Except today Chouji was late. Sasuke sighed, pushed his chair away from the computer desk, rubbed his eyes vigorously and glanced down at his watch. Damnit, Chouji was an hour late. _What the hell could be…_ Sasuke scowled, _Unless_ _it's the new 'wife' causing trouble. If it is, I swear I will kick his ass right out of here, I don't care what Gaara says…_

His scowl deepened even more if that was possible as he stood up and began heading towards the door to his room. He was going to the kitchen to have a little chat with Chouji. Sasuke knew he knew better than to…

But Sasuke's thoughts were interrupted at the sound of a loud banging noise coming from the direction of his door. Before he could even think, the door swung open and there stood…

"Gaara…what are you doing here?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the red-haired man in front of him. "The door was locked, how the hell did you…" But Sasuke was interrupted again as Gaara shut the door behind him with a thud and strode forward silently to stand directly in front of Sasuke, keeping his gaze rested on the other's the entire time.

"Uchiha," Gaara began in his soft, deep voice. "Why aren't you at dinner?"

Sasuke frowned at his best friend's use of his last name. He only called him 'Uchiha' when he was really angry. "I never go to dinner, Subaku. You know that. I have work to -"

"Don't give me that shit, Uchiha." Though Gaara's words sounded menacing, his facial expressions never gave away any indication of anger or annoyance. "When I first told you about Naruto, I told you he was different."

Sasuke glared, raising his voice a little out of annoyance, "Who the hell is Naruto?"

"You're new wife, Uchiha."

"Like I give a shit."

"You better damn well give a shit." The expression may have been humorous with anyone else but with the same emotionless tone, Gaara made everything sound eerily threatening, "Get your ass down to dinner. Now." And though it was devoid of emotion, it – as usual – was full of Gaara's commanding presence. Sasuke was sure he was probably the only person who would ever have the courage to stand up against Gaara and even then…he didn't feel comfortable doing it.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes again and shook his head, "No, Gaara. I'm not going -"

But Gaara wouldn't take 'no' for an answer and moved forward so quickly Sasuke hadn't even noticed until he felt the hawk-like grip on his forearm as Gaara dragged him forward.

"What the hell…?" Sasuke struggled to break free from Gaara but even the Uchiha wasn't strong enough against a determined Gaara.

"I _told_ you, Uchiha. Naruto's different." Gaara was still referring to him by his last name; he was still mad. "I made you promise…you wouldn't treat him like the others. This guy is special."

Sasuke made sure to give Gaara the Uchiha death glare as he was being dragged along, even if his friend took no notice. Exasperated by how frustrating Gaara could be, Sasuke forgot that they were still on a last-name only basis, "What the fuck are you talking about, Gaara?"

"He needs your _help,_ Sasuke." Sasuke's eyes widened slightly in shock at the use of his first name and the sound of…well, _emotion_…in Gaara's voice, "…and you need his." Even so, Sasuke growled at Gaara's words, taking offense. He didn't need _anyone_. He was Sasuke Owner-of-half-the-fucking-world Uchiha!

"You're really starting to piss me off." Sasuke said with a warning tone.

"Stop being such an ass, Uchiha." Gaara replied smoothly before stopping suddenly in front of the door that led into the dining room.

"See for yourself." Gaara said simply as he gave Sasuke a shove forward through the doors.

-------

Naruto was going over his entire life, trying to understand where he had screwed up enough to deserve what had happened to him.

Other than thoroughly pissing off some very, very rich assassins, nothing came to mind. So why the hell was he being put through…hell!

Groaning as a tinkering of china pulled him out of his own thoughts, Naruto couldn't help reliving the past few minutes of his life and wanting to scream out in frustration and cry in hopelessness. Why, why did it always happen to him?!?

**---15 Minutes earlier---**

Naruto walked into the large kitchen and saw the incredibly long table and the many people sitting at it. _Wow. . . I knew this guy was rich but so far nothing struck me as him being the type to have dinner with his servant._

Deciding it was bad of him to judge the guy without actually meeting him, Naruto looked for an empty seat. The only one he could find was at the complete other end of the table, completely alone without any other chairs on either side.

Sighing, Naruto walked past all the people already sitting and making more noise than he thought possible, and sat down.

Which was greeted with complete silence.

Glancing around, Naruto saw shock, confusion, and even on a few faces, blatant anger. The only faces which seemed to be in perfect control were Ino, who was two spaces down on the side to his left, the pale man with dark long hair and creepily white eyes one more space down beside her, and Shikamaru who was sitting at the other end of the table.

"Umm, hi?" Naruto mumbled, not really sure what he was expected to do, and was saved by none other than Ino, one of the last people he would have bet on bailing him out.

"Listen up everybody! This is Naruto Uzumaki, and he is Sasuke's thirteenth wife. Treat him…well, just don't kill him!" And as she resumed eating, everyone else seemed to pick up what they were doing before he sat down, though he noticed a few still throwing him weird looks.

"Hello. My name is Shino, and as you've managed to sit next to me. I guess it will be my honor to introduce you to everyone."

Naruto looked over to his right as Shino started talking, to be greeted with the sight of a man around his own age who was wearing a cream shirt, cream pants and a pair of sunglasses, all going rather well with his brunette hair which was standing straight up in spikes. Not sure about how to react to what seemed like the man's complete lack of enthusiasm, Naruto tried his best to get back his winning personality which he also seemed to be losing ever since stepping foot into this house.

"Hi. Do this many people usually eat at dinner?"

In the same monotone as before, Shino continued. "Yes, all of us must be in attendance at dinner every night unless we have an excus…I mean, reason for being otherwise engaged."

"Wow… so this Uchiha is a strict boss, huh?" Glancing at Naruto, Shino slowly replied, putting a few things together as he did.

"Well, as I don't work for him, I wouldn't know and neither would most of the others." Naruto's shocked look only confirmed Shino's fear, as did the next words out of Naruto's mouth.

"What? Then, is everybody family or guests or something?" Naruto was getting very confused - and a little scared - because he had just spotted the man Shikamaru called Gai who greeted him so crazily earlier a little further down the table on the left side.

Turning back as he heard Shino sigh, he saw the man with his head leaning on his hands and what Naruto guessed was a look of deep annoyance on his face, though honestly he was guessing as it was rather hard to tell without seeing the guy's eyes.

Naruto was an eye man, he could tell more from a person's eyes then most could in thirty years of living with them. "I can see they didn't tell you everything. Naruto, all the people who are sitting at this table are Uchiha's wives, except for that end." He pointed at the other end of the table where Shikamaru, Kiba, and some guy who had to be really old because his hair was completely silver, were sitting.

It was then that Naruto noticed an empty seat on the other side of Kiba and was racking his brain to remember who was sitting there when he came in, because there had definitely been no empty seats…when what Shino had just really said sank in. "Li..like Uchiha keeps all his ex's or something?" Sighing again, Shino opened his mouth to explain, when the man to Naruto's immediate left beat him to it.

"Wow, you're slow. I hope you're at least well endowed to make up for it. We are all married to Sasuke Uchiha, baka. At this very moment. Every one of us. Are married. To. The. Same. Man." The last part was said slowly, as if to someone with hearing problems. Naruto narrowed his eyes at this man and couldn't help but wonder why all the guys in this place seemed to be complete assholes. And that's about when it hit. Naruto's own customized hell.

"Wai…what? We..we're all….?" And with that Naruto drifted into shock.

**---Current time---**

Sighing, Naruto pulled himself out of his reminiscing, knowing it was only depressing him more.

Glancing to his left, Naruto actually took in the man who revealed this fresh horror in his life. He was very pale, and had short black hair and black eyes that seemed at the same time lifeless and full of mischief.

Seeing Naruto looking at him, he turned to him and smiled a huge smile that made him close his eyes and honestly, reminded Naruto of a shark spotting lunch. Looking quickly back to Shino, he found the man was (or so he thought) closely watching him.

"Good, you came out of your coma. If it makes you feel better, it took me much longer to process the information when I was first told." Smiling a little, Shino nodded across the table at shark man and said, with a bit of emotion to his voice, "Well let's introduce you to the family, hmmm? The man with all the tact is Sai and not only being Sasuke's wife, he's also his cousin."

Naruto's head snapped back to Sai and shuddered when he was greeted with another one of the grins. He opened his mouth to ask why, but Shino kept talking, "I'm afraid, no, I don't know why they married. I'm told it's a family matter. Now, next to him is Ino who is one of the few wives that actually works for Sasuke and sees him on a daily basis. As you've met her already, I won't go into any further details. Next to her is Neji, quiet mostly and somewhat vain. Next to him is Gai..."

Shino paused as Naruto made some type of strangled laugh noise and simply said, "We met earlier."

Nodding, because with Gai this explained everything, he picked up the conversation again, "Well then, next to him is Temari, and she is a tough woman and very in charge, much like her brother Gaara."

As Naruto choked on that revelation, Shino sighed and kept going, deciding he refused to waste the time explaining everything about everyone to Naruto. "Finishing the right side of the table is Tenten. She's a fighter, though not as tough as Temari honestly; however, she's a good person and can joke with even the most vulgar men."

Proceeding to point at the side of the table opposite of Naruto, Shino continued with the introductions, "That end of the table is where the servants eat…or, well…the only ones you'll ever really see anyway. The rest tend to hide, I think. The silver-haired man is Kakashi, Sasuke's main body guard and advisor; next to him are Shikamaru and then Kiba who both are supposed to act as maid, but are really bodyguards as well. Chouji, the cook, is currently finishing the main course for dinner and will be out in a bit. Trust me, you can't miss him. Now, to his right, we pick up with the wives again. There is Sakura, a loud mouth who is obsessed with Sasuke and I would steer clear of. She is quite jealous of Ino's position near Sasuke and makes displ…."

And Naruto got to see just how Sakura expressed her anger, as she picked up a dinner roll and threw it straight into Ino's soup with a huge 'plop' and an "Ino Pig!", causing the red broth to splash all over Ino's suit. As Naruto turned from watching the pink-haired woman and Ino's fight, Shino sighed the third time that night and added on, "She's also somewhat violent."

Turning to just silently stare at Shino, the man shrugged and went on. "On her right is Hinata, very shy and timid but good enough at heart…and cousin of Neji." Naruto took in the violet-haired girl, who caught his eye and started blushing like a tomato. "Hmmm," Shino said. "Seems she likes you. Anyway on his right is Lee, who is a mini clone of Gai. And on _his_ right are Orochimaru and then Tsunade. Those two are brother and sister, but Orochimaru is a hard ass who's more obsessed with Sasuke then Sakura, and Tsunade is an alcoholic and a famous doctor." Taking one last glance around the table, Shino felt that he had given enough information on everyone and leaned back in his chair, exhausted from so much more talking than normal.

Naruto, trying to take in everybody and the fact that they were all indeed wives, jumped a foot in the air when a large man banged into the room and pronounced in a loud voice, "May I present the main course; La Rihanna!" And following the man came several huge silver dishes (all covered) and when the tops were taken off, the mountains of steam blocked everything from Naruto's view.

He started to call out to Shino, when a slam was heard, and the steam resided to show none other than the bastard he had run into earlier in the hallway standing impassively next to Gaara near the main entrance of the room.

And realizing what this meant, all Naruto could manage was to say, "You've got to be kidding me."

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**NEXT TIME: Chapter 3 "Surprise!" **


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